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Here are 30 “if statements” worth learning if you have the intentions of leading a more productive life.

If I am what I have and if I lose what I have, who then am I?
- Erich Fromm

1. If you don’t understand the product or service, don’t buy it until you do.
2. If you do not take ownership of your actions, your actions will eventually own you.
3. If you are not saving at least 10% of your salary, you are not saving enough.
4. If you talk too much, people will stop listening.  If you don’t talk enough, people will never hear your point of view.
5. If you are lazy, you will fail.  Laziness will always overshadow your true potential.
6. If you hate your job, you also hate half of the time you spend on this planet.
7. If you are not investing (120 minus your age) percent of your savings in the stock market, you are giving up thousands of dollars over the course of your lifetime.
8. If you don’t finish what you start, your success rate will always be zero.
9. If you don’t consume enough liquids, you will never be healthy.
10. If your monthly debt payments exceed 40% of your total income, you will go broke if you don’t fix your spending habits promptly.
11. If you avoid your problems, your problems will steer the course of your life.
12. If something sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
13. If you are buying a brand new car every 3-5 years, stop!  You are wasting your money.
14. If you don’t keep up with important current events, you will look like an idiot in front of others.
15. If you back-up on a freeway off-ramp, you increase your chances of having an accident by about 1000%.  Go to the next exit and turn around.
16. If you are not learning something new every day, you are wasting away days of your life.
17. If you threaten to quit your job, even if it’s a subtle suggestion, you better be ready to leave now.
18. If somebody asks you for your social security number, don’t give it to them!
19. If you are paying high monthly insurance premiums for a lower claim deductible, you are pissing in the wind.
20. If you don’t ever intend to help others, expect them to return the favor.
21. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you probably aren’t learning much at all.
22. If you don’t dream, you will live solely as an entity of someone else’s dreams.
23. If you are ever confused, don’t be afraid to ask questions.
24. If you don’t listen to good music while exercising, you are missing out on the best part of your workout.
25. If you are not happy, it’s time to change something.
26. If you never stare off into the distance, you’ll never get there.
27. If you dress a certain way, people will treat you a certain way.
28. If you never try something new, your life’s story will be boring.
29. If you aren’t in love, don’t settle.
30. If you are overly emotional right now, make the decision later.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2007/10/17/30-if-statements-in-life-worth-learning/

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs.. 
1:00 Shopping with friends. 
3:00 Nap. 
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage 
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 
10:00 Hot shower. Alone. 
10:30 Make love. 
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:

6:00 Alarm. 
6:15 Blowjob. 
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section. 
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 
7:30 Limo arrives. 
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 
12:15 Blowjob. 
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs. 
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel. 
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns. 
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip. 
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 
11:45 Go to bed. 
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

http://www.rijeka.com/phun/general/perfectday.htm

Three Things To Think About

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

Cows: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, then track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you can’t post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a hostile work environment.

http://www.dysan.net/weird/show/652.html